We Don't Live Here Anymore
I guess the title of this movie, which was in limited release, (check out the trailer on the link above) is taken from the '70's Neil Simon play/movie Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore. The Alice that didn't live there anymore, like the Alice in Wonderland and White Rabbit song and of diary fame (talk about your trips!) and seen most recently on cute, creative Gwen Stefani is the Alice that took a little trip through the looking glass to elsewhere and when she got back, she still looked the same but she didn't really live there anymore. I can definitely relate, to Alice, and the characters in the story.
For a while, the marriages still looked good: nice houses, nice lives, nice friends, family fun, kids happily unaware of the very complicated feelings of their parents. What kinds of feelings? Boredom, jealousy, resentment, frustration, anger... none of them really getting what they need from their spouses. So, they cross pollinated. Definitley the explicit version of Wife Swap.
It had many uncomfortable similarities, to my life and to my movie. My movie (the one I'm making, not the one I'm living) also has two couples who have some (not all, thank you) cross couple attraction issues but mine has much more focus on the career aspect. Where the guys in the movie are both hot English professors, my guys are hot Silicon Valley hotshots who also have creative backgrounds/ambitions that they miss/aspire to and who got caught up in the dot.com bust in different positions. My film will aslo deal more with the housewife issue, it will go into the women's backgrounds and show their respective frustrations, one with being at home w/ young kids, the other with lack of artistic & "marital" success.
This film was similar to mine in that it does show one couple really getting into those kitchen scenes, where those frustrations over daily life and those character flaws you've dealt with too long just fly. I guess one thing you look for in films like this is that real feel. This is where you want your drama so good that it really does feel like you are a fly on the wall in someone else's home, and you have that somewhat comforting feeling of, ok, it's not just us, all couples go through this. But, not all couples do.... even in the movies, this one or mine.
Some couples just stuff it and stuff it, or think of other things besides their actual life, or manage to small talk or just somehow or other don't face it. And both my movie and this one have a couple like that. In that couple, the guy is so focused on his writing, or is just internally strong, he doesn't really look to the wife for inner satisfaction. He doesn't really NEED his wife. She's basically a weak, empty person and it's not till she gets her gumption up by steaming up her husband's best friend that she feels strong.
So, who's more sympathetic? All four of them cheat, so you can't use that for the qualifier. So, what's the qualifier? The timing? Thr reason? The one who cheats because she's can't feel loved (Edith)? The one who cheats cause he wants love (Jack)? The one who cheats because he wants excitement, and, becaused he can (Hank)? Or, the one who cheats out of revenge (Terry)? Once you're in the Devolution of Marriage Zone is it all about assigning blame and pegging relative moral positions? Well, there certainly are a lot of moral issues and there's usually a lot of blame at that point. Questions like, do I stay or do I go, how long can this go on, can it get better, how can I even imagine such a different life or so much upheaval, how can I go, how can I stay, how can I make myself love this person, how can I get what I need, what's gonna happen to the kids, can I go a lifetime without the sex or love I need???
It's interesting to watch all the marriage unwinding dramas: my two (the real and unreal) and this film and the many similarities between them. The same basic issues come up over and over, who's doing what, who's not doing what, all the annoyances and weaknesses and failings, the lack common interests, the lack of interests period... the lack of passion. In my now very jaded view, based on dozens, if not hundreds of conversations with people about this, I think most people are lucky if they get a good solid love affair once or twice in their life.
But, even if all is going well, once you have kids (the American Dream), the kids require so much energy and focus for so long, it's just really hard to maintain the closeness, trust, intimacy. If the sex goes, it's really hard to get any of that back, and if you start running into respect issues on top of that....well, let's just say that most couples run into obstacles cause, aside from the eventual boredom, the deck is essentially stacked against us just in the form of inhuman work hours in this country. In fact, a French friend of mine, without kids, ran into marriage ending problems just because of the work hour ethic around here.
I really do think that long term monogamy is not for everyone. A lot of people do crawl up in it out of fear of change, fear of the unknown, but yet bored once the sexual charge wears off and if you're not really marching to the same drum at that point, with common interests, passions and goals, then you're basically just co-existing. A good friend of mine works with her husband, they're both counselors & run the Growth and Leadership Center, go into therapy every time there's a problem and really hash it out. They are one of the few couples I know of who I really think are happy together, and even they have issues. They deal with them relatively openly and well, but it took decades of psychological training to do that. Most either fight or seethe or avoid, like the classic roles above...ending up in marriages that don't live here anymore.
For a while, the marriages still looked good: nice houses, nice lives, nice friends, family fun, kids happily unaware of the very complicated feelings of their parents. What kinds of feelings? Boredom, jealousy, resentment, frustration, anger... none of them really getting what they need from their spouses. So, they cross pollinated. Definitley the explicit version of Wife Swap.
It had many uncomfortable similarities, to my life and to my movie. My movie (the one I'm making, not the one I'm living) also has two couples who have some (not all, thank you) cross couple attraction issues but mine has much more focus on the career aspect. Where the guys in the movie are both hot English professors, my guys are hot Silicon Valley hotshots who also have creative backgrounds/ambitions that they miss/aspire to and who got caught up in the dot.com bust in different positions. My film will aslo deal more with the housewife issue, it will go into the women's backgrounds and show their respective frustrations, one with being at home w/ young kids, the other with lack of artistic & "marital" success.
This film was similar to mine in that it does show one couple really getting into those kitchen scenes, where those frustrations over daily life and those character flaws you've dealt with too long just fly. I guess one thing you look for in films like this is that real feel. This is where you want your drama so good that it really does feel like you are a fly on the wall in someone else's home, and you have that somewhat comforting feeling of, ok, it's not just us, all couples go through this. But, not all couples do.... even in the movies, this one or mine.
Some couples just stuff it and stuff it, or think of other things besides their actual life, or manage to small talk or just somehow or other don't face it. And both my movie and this one have a couple like that. In that couple, the guy is so focused on his writing, or is just internally strong, he doesn't really look to the wife for inner satisfaction. He doesn't really NEED his wife. She's basically a weak, empty person and it's not till she gets her gumption up by steaming up her husband's best friend that she feels strong.
So, who's more sympathetic? All four of them cheat, so you can't use that for the qualifier. So, what's the qualifier? The timing? Thr reason? The one who cheats because she's can't feel loved (Edith)? The one who cheats cause he wants love (Jack)? The one who cheats because he wants excitement, and, becaused he can (Hank)? Or, the one who cheats out of revenge (Terry)? Once you're in the Devolution of Marriage Zone is it all about assigning blame and pegging relative moral positions? Well, there certainly are a lot of moral issues and there's usually a lot of blame at that point. Questions like, do I stay or do I go, how long can this go on, can it get better, how can I even imagine such a different life or so much upheaval, how can I go, how can I stay, how can I make myself love this person, how can I get what I need, what's gonna happen to the kids, can I go a lifetime without the sex or love I need???
It's interesting to watch all the marriage unwinding dramas: my two (the real and unreal) and this film and the many similarities between them. The same basic issues come up over and over, who's doing what, who's not doing what, all the annoyances and weaknesses and failings, the lack common interests, the lack of interests period... the lack of passion. In my now very jaded view, based on dozens, if not hundreds of conversations with people about this, I think most people are lucky if they get a good solid love affair once or twice in their life.
But, even if all is going well, once you have kids (the American Dream), the kids require so much energy and focus for so long, it's just really hard to maintain the closeness, trust, intimacy. If the sex goes, it's really hard to get any of that back, and if you start running into respect issues on top of that....well, let's just say that most couples run into obstacles cause, aside from the eventual boredom, the deck is essentially stacked against us just in the form of inhuman work hours in this country. In fact, a French friend of mine, without kids, ran into marriage ending problems just because of the work hour ethic around here.
I really do think that long term monogamy is not for everyone. A lot of people do crawl up in it out of fear of change, fear of the unknown, but yet bored once the sexual charge wears off and if you're not really marching to the same drum at that point, with common interests, passions and goals, then you're basically just co-existing. A good friend of mine works with her husband, they're both counselors & run the Growth and Leadership Center, go into therapy every time there's a problem and really hash it out. They are one of the few couples I know of who I really think are happy together, and even they have issues. They deal with them relatively openly and well, but it took decades of psychological training to do that. Most either fight or seethe or avoid, like the classic roles above...ending up in marriages that don't live here anymore.
posted by Intervision at 9:15 AM
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