Kids and Divorce

As I've mentioned before, this blog is becoming less the focus of my writing as I begin the process of writing my book, which will probably be largely a personal story of my journey from a meek, mild housewife (ok, ok... but I was in a pretty bad place for a while there) to the self-possessed, intensely incredible woman I am today.

Seriously, it's like I'm myself again, only better. When I was younger I was extremely open, recklessly so, I hitched from NY to Florida, Disneyworld. My roommate and I found Cortland rather chilly, so we took off and went floating around creeks through the just opened resort. Somehow I rolled myself up into my relationship with my ex and became a shell of my original self. It all bloomed again as he was expelled... but I digress.

I do want to test run some of my book chapters, since, otherwise I'll have little to blog about for a while and the first one is about my kids because they continue to be the biggest teachers for me. They have certainly driven my growth since they were born. Initially, as a parent, I had to deal with all sorts of things having to do with discovering and working through my own childhood.

Once I realized how poorly I had been parented, I became very concerned that I would repeat the pattern or unknowingly replace it with something different but still bad or damaging. Now that I have a thirteen year old, a lot of that fear has dissipated. Thirteen is when, as Malcolm X would say, the chickens come home to roost. That's when the grade comes in and thank God mine's ok... so far.

But, what I really want to address is the way the divorce process has affected my kids. As with most young parents in our country, there's no support. Parents of young children in this country have a very difficult road, tons of obligations, little encouragement or public support. Like many couples, we tag-teamed, giving each other what breaks we could, never seeing each other. After a while, all I even cared about was getting a break, much less love from my husband. I didn't expect much, after all, I had just as little to give him. This is just what people do, I thought. And, I was right.

By the time kids were in grade school, our relationship was about resentment and who does what... no love. I told myself, well, as long as there's no blatant hostility, you just stay and do the best for your kids, that's what you signed up for. But, I was in denial. As I look back now, I realize how much that distance and lack of love manifested itself in our home. The hostility was a lot more blatant than I thought.

The kids were whiny, I heard constant nagging for stuff. There was friction between the two of them. They spoke to my ex in a way I would never have tolerated and it bothered me to listen to their interactions. It still does, but now the only time I hear it is when I look out the window when he's out there with them for a pick up or drop off. When they are here with me, it's cleaner, just my relationship with each of them, without my ex in the mix. I now see very little of the friction between them. They rarely whine or nag me. In fact, I think they're adorable together.

They seem more relaxed now. They're basically getting used to having to go back and forth between places and they aren't living in a state of tension, two people pretending this is normal. At least the situation is honest now. They've had to face certain truths sooner than I would have liked. But, they're deeper now. They understand.

I've had to let go of my kids a bit, far sooner than I've wanted to, but, that's parenthood. I enjoy my week-long breaks, and, when I do have my sweeties, I appreciate being with them so much more than I used to. When they're here, they have my full attention. I'm not distracted by unhappiness, frustration and stagnation any more. They see a fulfilled, happy mother.

I regret not being able to give them a feeling of family life further into their childhood, but, my individual relationships with each of them are deep and meaningful. I give them the benefit of my many years of life experience and they give me love and joy and the opportunity to share their childhood perspective with them. It's a pretty good deal.

Tonight I watched my son graduate Middle School. I saw him, and all his friends, as these young men and women. He's been confirmed in our church. Technically, I guess in some ways, he is becoming an adult. It's a trip, maybe the ultimate trip, watching your child grow into an adult, being part of another's life in that way. What I learned is that the external structure of the family is far less important than the role you can play in teaching another human being to be a happy, healthy person in the world and loving your child and being yourself, honestly, for that child.

I've learned that parenting is not some cookie cutter experience. It seems like a lot of parents think if they can just get their kids into enough activities, enough friends, enough AP courses, they will create these perfect little beings. There is a lot more to parenting than making your kids into little success machines to prove what a swell parent you are. That is such a disservice to them. It's about giving your kids the tools to find inner happiness in life and letting them know that you see them as the beautiful individuals they are, not vehicles to prove your parenting prowess.

Beneath and beyond each complexity is simplicity. Children need and want what we all need and want... the feeling of being seen, heard and loved for who they really are, not for what they can produce.