Solitude, Retreat & Revival

When you're part of a family, or part of a cult, it can be very hard to find alone time. In cults, the lack of time alone is extreme and calculated. The goal is to strip people of their individuality and free will in favor of compliance with group goals and identity. This tactic has been proven to be extremely effective. You fill people with constant demands and no time to think about them, and, after a while the person will identify more with the group needs and ethos than one's inner voice, which gets drowned out by all the noise and imperatives.

While it's easy to see the problem with cults, when it comes to family, work and other things in normal daily life that strip us of our opportunity to center ourselves, there is little awareness. But, it's a very similar phenomenon. It's about what happens to people who, for whatever reason, don't take the time and energy to be with themselves and focus on their lives and feelings.

Again, this relates to my journey from ensconced housewife to happy individual. Sleep deprivation and lack of alone time is the reality of having young kids. As they got older and more independent, I had to start looking over at my ex there and try to figure out what I saw in him, what was there in terms of a relationship. Mostly, it was resentments and lack of trust, so, at that point I had to start taking a look at myself.

I started taking some weekend retreats... to Palm Desert, to Kirkwood, and eventually longer trips, to Hawaii, Laguna etc. My ex also took some trips and I think in both cases it clarified for each of us that there was no real relationship, much less love relationship, there... just a lot of negatives. All that was really holding me in there was loyalty, concern for my kids and fear of change. Also, I'm a natural optimist and will make the best out of almost any situation. The marriage had deteriorated gradually and I continued to focus on the positives instead of paying more attention to the severity of the problems.

But, the retreats helped me get in touch with what I was really feeling. I heard from some other friends recently who are ending their marriage. They spent a lot of time in counseling. I think that can be very valuable, certainly in terms of clarifying the issues, but so can retreats and alone time. If nothing else, it is a change, and sometimes the first change is the hardest.

Relationships aren't just about conflict, they're about compatibility. People can be compatible at one point in their lives, but not in another. I remember at one point in our process I asked my ex what we would tell the kids and he goes, "oh we'll just make up some shit about growing apart". At the time it sounded like bullshit to me too, after all we had all sorts of complicated issues and problems. But, looking back, that is what happened. We had mutual goals and interests when we met. We were joined at the hip for many years... too many.

I have many interests and goals, at a certain point we shared very few, mostly just the kids... which was enough for me to base a family life on. I was willing to have the family life and pursue my own interests on the side, but, my ex had a problem with that. Being alone helped me see what was important and interesting to me. It helped me get in touch with the person I was before I met my ex, when I was most truly myself. It helped me see what I had given up of myself in order to be in that marriage.

I think a lot of people in marriages have a hard time asking to take a weekend for some swanky retreat, and I could see how it could be healthful for a good marriage. For me, it helped put things in perspective... gave me lots of intervision... the between the scenes stuff that is first to get drowned out by life's daily distractions.