You Can't Help Who You Fall in Love With

I heard Bruce Willis say this and, at first, dangling participles aside, I thought it was the same type of stupid comment you'd hear from some Jerry Springer adulterer. Seems I've heard this one from the thirteen year old married to the eighty year old, the abused wife etc.

But this was Bruce Willis talking about Demi & Ashton. He strikes me as a pretty secure guy, with good reason. He went on to say, "It's all about love, man". Since Bruce can sing the blues, I forgive him for Planet Hollywood and taking all the actionherosuperviolent cash. Anyway, I've been thinking about his comment... more and more.

For four years now, I've been telling myself exactly the opposite. And I've felt that psychologists would back me up completely. Wouldn't many, if not most, say if you don't feel love for your spouse it's because you haven't kept up good communication or conflict resolution skills? Marriage is hard work, that's what they'll tell you.

Now Donald Trump has said, "Hey, I work all day, the last thing I want to do when I come home is work on my marriage." But that's just cause he's spoiled and self indulged, right? Regular people like you and me should go into the trenches and work on that marriage.

And what if, in the dregs of that relationship with someone you hardly talk to, trust, like, respect... you find someone who lights you up? Well, there's lots of explanations for that too. You're lonely and wanting connection, the new person is fresh and exciting. If only you'd go back in there and work on that marriage some more you could snap yourself right back into that love you used to feel. As a matter of fact, I know people who have done just that. They say they've had times in their marriage where they felt bored and distant but, they went into therapy and now they're back in love.

Personally, I am on the way far end of the spectrum when it comes to self responsibility. This was a philosophy/way of thinking I adopted early in life. I've always felt very strongly and known deeply that we create our own realities. Everything from quantum physics to the teachings of all great prophets substantiates this. What impassions me further is having lived with a man with no real sense of self much less self-responsibility for many years and seeing someone live as a shell close up.

So, of course, the comment above here falls into a black hole for me. There's nothing I can't help. I'm in control. And, I am. I can help who I fall in love with, on a much higher level of being than I'm in touch with on an experiential level. Thing is, I operate in a real world of other people here. And the choices I make should flow not only from what my higher self needs for growth but for my consideration and sensitivity to the needs of others. It is a very difficult thing to balance.

So, is Bruce just being benevolent because he's got Brooke Benton and a bevy of beauties? Maybe he feels that way cause he was the one to stray first in his marriage. Is this all about excuses and perspective? Well, again, that's what I've been telling myself. But, more and more, I am starting to believe that things happen, and while they may seem disconnected and external, it's really all an unfolding of many forces and sometimes we do have to accept that while we may be in control on a higher level, we may not understand all that is happening with our rational brains.

I was talking to my friend Laura, the psychologist, about this and she said, basically, that comments like this are made by unconscious people who see life as random. I guess whenever the phrase "can't help it" is used, it does bristle self-aware folks, especially when they're trying to empower others to see the connections and their responsibility and control for what happens to them in their lives.

Does love just "happen"? We don't live in the universe alone here, there are hurricanes, sick children, senseless devastation. As God told a pissed off Job, hey, I'm doing the best I can here, you do better. I gave you a beautiful planet and free will and you drive your SUVs all over town all day long and then wonder why the hurricanes. So, maybe it is some deficiency that we can't always see the yin as it pops from the yang, only surfers and top investors do that. But, can we totally help who we fall in love with?

Not really, because even self aware people can't always see each person coming around the bend. They can just be in touch with their feelings, AND the feelings of others, and make choices that try to balance everyone's needs. We do need to look to our feelings, which, to me, are as real, if not more so, than thoughts. The feelings are simple and they don't lie or bend. When I think about the comment above, it's on the feeling level where you can't help it, you can't change it. It's there. You can tune it out and make the thoughts louder, you can still choose to not act on the feelings, in deference to others, but, the feelings remain and on that level I can see where it is a situation beyond rational control.

The Kid Stays In The Picture

This one is definitely worth getting on DVD, not worth seeing in its theatrical release. The bonus features outweigh a reasonably good film. It tries so hard to be an entertaining documentary but is hampered cause there’s not much to build on visually. Raw footage is crucial in a project like this and photos from a person’s life, even if taken by Eisenstadt and enhanced with After-Effects… still not up to the visual product offered in other formats.

The commentary track is, in its own right, a primer on the film industry, documentary filmmaking and point of view. Bob Evans fascinating life is the subject here and the title is taken from his book. Evans, I guess most famous for his marriage to Ali McGraw, ran Paramount Studios at a time when the film industry went through as much upheaval as the surrounding culture and Bob played the rouge role all through.

We have him to thank for more great films than Spielberg, Coppolla & Lucas combined. And, unlike those dream weavers, Evans is responsible for breakthrough films that truly changed society and showed a light on our culture. There is much to comment on, such as the pervasive power of image and how it factored so strongly in his rise and demise.

But, what really moved me, stuck with me, was actually from his acceptance speech for the Independent Spirit Award. He was presented the award by Larry King… surprising since that type of honor usually goes to a close friend, and Evans does credit Stanley Jaffe with saving his career, if not his life. So, why Larry? Evans explains.

Bob had run into Larry a few years earlier and said, “Hey Larry, you just had a quadruple bypass, you look great…. What’s the deal?” Larry’s answer stayed with Bob every day for years that he endured pure hell and it’s sticking to me too. So, here it is. He said, “Bob, it wasn’t the heart attack. It was an attack of the heart.”

He was referring to his latest young wife, with whom he was very much in love. Bob, goes on to say that his life had always been about achievement but when he softened his heart and fell in love with his own twenty-something… well, that was what it was all about. You could see the real love in this seventy something guy. Well, like Bruce Willis said, it’s all about love people.

It’s so easy to discount feeling. It’s so easy to forget what every prophet & Beatles told us, all you need is love. Here’s a guy who led an incredible, charmed life. He’s seen it all, done it all and even produced it all… and what does he think it’s all about? Love, the most powerful force in the world.