Morality & Integrity
Is there a distinction between these two? The dictionary definition of integrity refers to a code of values and the definition of morality refers to right and wrong. When I think of morals, there is a much more dichotomous feel. You get two baskets, one for right, one for wrong.... all your behavior, thoughts, feelings and judgments go into one or the other. Integrity comes from the same stem as integrate, mix it together, weave all those thoughts, feelings, behaviors and judgments into one fallible human being.
When we think about entering a relationship with someone, business or personal, we always evaluate them in this way, whether consciously or not. When we evaluate whether we can trust someone in a business relationship, we look to their past experience to see if they can deliver the skills we need. When we are going into a personal relationship, we're also looking to see if the person can deliver what we want.. sex, companionship, interesting conversation etc.
But, what about when we are considering getting into a meaningful long term relationship? Well then you're starting to look at things like stability, morality and integrity in a much more comprehensive way because you're investing your time at least partly on the assumption of long-term reliability.
As a young woman, I was pretty free-wheeling and looked more for sex and excitement in men than morality. The two guys I went with before my ex had very blatant moral shortcomings. I never seriously considered marrying or having kids with either of these guys. When I met my ex, it was very different. He wasn't very sexually stimulating, or particularly interesting, but, he seemed extremely loving, devoted and yes, moral. He came from this very church-y family, in fact his parents had actually started their local Episcopal church, he was quite focused on spirit, nature and God. He was a CFO for a large company, a pretty trustworthy position there. Everything about him spoke to reliability and the things a woman looks for in a potential husband and father for her children.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned through this divorce process has been to understand the difference between morality and integrity and the relationship between the two. What I basically did was get so focused on morality that I lost sight of integrity and most of all, I learned how empty morality is without integrity.
There are people who try very hard to follow the rules, color inside the lines all their lives. They act lovingly and work hard, they are often well respected, even loved. Sometimes they have integrity and do it all with a genuine sense of purpose and truly want to be doing those things. But, very often, they don't. And if they don't... they lack integrity.
Now, I don't look for people who trumpet their morality, who express concern for propriety. I look for people who really know themselves, who act from a sense of inner direction. I look for people who have thought about their needs and goals. I look for people who are truly living their dreams and fully appreciate each day. I look for those who understand how their lives need to change in order for them to grow and find happiness.
I admire those folks who can say this is my life and I deserve happiness as much as anyone else. Only people like that can really give freely. The "moral guy" I married was as mean and selfish and small and hurtful as the most "immoral" person I could ever imagine, only he has all sorts of moral-sounding justifications. Has to, you know, morality is very important to him... at least the appearance thereof.
So, now I don't go by appearances. I look for integrity in people, not morality, and I think that will draw the best people into my life. I look for those who take responsibility for themselves, who know who they are and what they are doing, who are aware of, and caring toward others but who don't live for them. I like people who know what they want and who go get it, who say what they think and think what they say... genuine, authentic human beings... who are propelled by goals, not fears.
The "moral ones" live in houses built on sand. Their actions are not well-integrated with their feelings. They cut off the feelings, but, it's an unstable situation and eventually things bubble up. Integrated people understand the internal conflict and can deal with it but those with just the structure try to bottle and conform, you never really know where they stand or who they are. Now I understand why it was always so difficult to deal with my ex. There was no there there, as the saying goes. Once I got past the rhetoric, there was little else... sad. But, I learned a valuable lesson.
Now, I know what to look for. If you listen to people, you can hear the chinks, where things don't add up, it just seems hollow. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I learned how the see the dissonances in others. I ignored it for a long time in my ex, but, when the rubber finally hits the road and they make their big dramatic change, it's scary. You're dealing with someone who is essentially very unstable and people can do weird things.
A woman I know recently committed suicide out of the blue. Everyone was quite surprised. People around here learned, as on Desperate Housewives, behind every impeccable facade is a morass of feelings, like toys in the attic, rumbling around. Now I look for real stability in people, meaning, no toys in the attic, cards unplayed, feeling unexpressed, needs unmet, unrecognized fears holding back.
When we think about entering a relationship with someone, business or personal, we always evaluate them in this way, whether consciously or not. When we evaluate whether we can trust someone in a business relationship, we look to their past experience to see if they can deliver the skills we need. When we are going into a personal relationship, we're also looking to see if the person can deliver what we want.. sex, companionship, interesting conversation etc.
But, what about when we are considering getting into a meaningful long term relationship? Well then you're starting to look at things like stability, morality and integrity in a much more comprehensive way because you're investing your time at least partly on the assumption of long-term reliability.
As a young woman, I was pretty free-wheeling and looked more for sex and excitement in men than morality. The two guys I went with before my ex had very blatant moral shortcomings. I never seriously considered marrying or having kids with either of these guys. When I met my ex, it was very different. He wasn't very sexually stimulating, or particularly interesting, but, he seemed extremely loving, devoted and yes, moral. He came from this very church-y family, in fact his parents had actually started their local Episcopal church, he was quite focused on spirit, nature and God. He was a CFO for a large company, a pretty trustworthy position there. Everything about him spoke to reliability and the things a woman looks for in a potential husband and father for her children.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned through this divorce process has been to understand the difference between morality and integrity and the relationship between the two. What I basically did was get so focused on morality that I lost sight of integrity and most of all, I learned how empty morality is without integrity.
There are people who try very hard to follow the rules, color inside the lines all their lives. They act lovingly and work hard, they are often well respected, even loved. Sometimes they have integrity and do it all with a genuine sense of purpose and truly want to be doing those things. But, very often, they don't. And if they don't... they lack integrity.
Now, I don't look for people who trumpet their morality, who express concern for propriety. I look for people who really know themselves, who act from a sense of inner direction. I look for people who have thought about their needs and goals. I look for people who are truly living their dreams and fully appreciate each day. I look for those who understand how their lives need to change in order for them to grow and find happiness.
I admire those folks who can say this is my life and I deserve happiness as much as anyone else. Only people like that can really give freely. The "moral guy" I married was as mean and selfish and small and hurtful as the most "immoral" person I could ever imagine, only he has all sorts of moral-sounding justifications. Has to, you know, morality is very important to him... at least the appearance thereof.
So, now I don't go by appearances. I look for integrity in people, not morality, and I think that will draw the best people into my life. I look for those who take responsibility for themselves, who know who they are and what they are doing, who are aware of, and caring toward others but who don't live for them. I like people who know what they want and who go get it, who say what they think and think what they say... genuine, authentic human beings... who are propelled by goals, not fears.
The "moral ones" live in houses built on sand. Their actions are not well-integrated with their feelings. They cut off the feelings, but, it's an unstable situation and eventually things bubble up. Integrated people understand the internal conflict and can deal with it but those with just the structure try to bottle and conform, you never really know where they stand or who they are. Now I understand why it was always so difficult to deal with my ex. There was no there there, as the saying goes. Once I got past the rhetoric, there was little else... sad. But, I learned a valuable lesson.
Now, I know what to look for. If you listen to people, you can hear the chinks, where things don't add up, it just seems hollow. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I learned how the see the dissonances in others. I ignored it for a long time in my ex, but, when the rubber finally hits the road and they make their big dramatic change, it's scary. You're dealing with someone who is essentially very unstable and people can do weird things.
A woman I know recently committed suicide out of the blue. Everyone was quite surprised. People around here learned, as on Desperate Housewives, behind every impeccable facade is a morass of feelings, like toys in the attic, rumbling around. Now I look for real stability in people, meaning, no toys in the attic, cards unplayed, feeling unexpressed, needs unmet, unrecognized fears holding back.
posted by Intervision at 11:10 AM
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