When Will I Be Loved?

Neve Campbell blew me away with her last film, The Company. Halfway through the commentary track which she narrates with the legendary director Robert Altman, it becomes apparent that the project was Neve's and she brought him in. She's a trained ballerina, the highest of highs in the world of dance, and she was one of the only actual actors in the film which was a fictional story of a ballet company. All the dancers, however, were a real ballet company and they basically accepted her as one of their own. To command the respect, not only of someone like Altman, but a ballet company, with which she dances, is a huge accomplishment for a young woman in Hollywood, whose main resume item was Party of Five.

So of course I was very interested to see her in this film, and I was not disappointed, although her role was limited to acting a very interesting part. She plays a confident, very bright, artistically savvy, adventurous, sexually aggressive New Yorker. Since this is a character I have absolutely nothing in common with, I couldn't relate to the film at all. Actually, at the end I really couldn't. Turns out she had no heart.

Remember, I've got the two buttons, the "Romantic Idealist" and the "Hardened Cynical Bastard". But, you can't be either. It has to run that line between the two. If you get too cynical, you lose your heart and you're over. Too oblivious and glosssy and you're just out of it. You need to be aware of what's going on, just try to shed some light & take it higher. Once you get vengeful, and greedy, as she did, your mental state sucks. Then you, and everyone around you, loses.

To me, an idealist is not someone who sees the world with rose colored glasses but someone who sees the overall evolution of the world's community in a positive way. Yin/yang requires both positive and negative forces, which will always be with us to some degree. However, the world continues to evolve in a positive direction, in that, we deal with the material world in a way which will provide a better, more comfortable, healthier standard of living for more people and we are connecting up mentally... slowly, but surely.

Anyway, in the film, Neve ends up feeling exploited, or maybe just dislikes the attitude of the guy she's dating or whatever & at the end fucks him over so disproportionately... it really kind of makes you wonder how/why she got that cold and vindictive and greedy. At the end, the character just didn't make sense to me, and the film, while beautiful & interesting, fell apart. Yeah, the guy was pimpish, setting her up for a big take, but Neve plays a woman fully in charge of her sexuality and it just didn't make sense that she would be so threatened by the behavior.

I guess her main motivation was greed. She was selfish and spoiled, and, as they went into it on the commentary track, sort of a man-hating lesbian who just needed a good stiff one every now and then. Come to think of it, this woman is on a different track from me completely. I did explore the girl thing in college, but, after that Hayser housewife deal... let's just say I've had enough female energy to last me a good long while. Sure, guys can be a hassle, but, they have what it takes to complement and compliment me. I love their muscles and pep and lack of drama... I love their interest in me, and in the world in general.

So, check out the film, if only for the sex scenes. And remember when you watch it, we're not all man haters. I think men who truly love and appreciate and understand women are pretty rare, and visa versa. I do love men though. And maybe that's why they like me too, I can relate to them, appreciate them. So many women simply attract men, all they really offer up is their bods, and for lots of men, that's plenty. When men and women avoid the boxes and roles and traps, the blend is the best. I don't know how the same sex relationships can offer the same yin/yang dynamic or opportunity for growth and expansion. I'm not looking for someone just like me... one is enough. I'm looking for my male counterpart.

Spaces

Spaces
Originally uploaded by Intervisions.

Spaces

Hearts embracing in the spaces
Correlating never waiting
Finding lovelies in high places
Maybe always decimating

Raining patterns on the sidewalk
Stepping forward on the path
Quite deriding margin sidetalk
Here it's coming in the after

Just let it be out there
On the sidelines quite aware

Hearts colliding tight together
Careening jubilantly
Some are not so tightly knit
Can see you there today at three

Sacred Vibes

I was talking to my friend Mike yesterday and he mentioned that he liked the more personal aspects of my blog... especially those that refer to him....so, first, let me just say, this is a weblog, not a diary. This is a public document and I never forget that. I also have a journal that I have been writing for 30 years. It's very, very different from this log. Think of a ripe, juicy orange, from which all juice has been sucked.... and then you have my blog.

If my life is ever made into a film, I'm sure every actress in town will want the role. But, the journals will not be made available until after my death, unless Woody Allen, or someone of his stature, (ok, anyone with a camcorder...) expresses interest in the project. Like Deep Throat, I appreciate privacy, at least while I'm alive.

Also, I wonder about throwing out too much about a film project in process, there is a tendency to want to protect your ideas, projects and co-workers in that way. I understand copyright protection from both sides. I will say this though, the name of the film has been changed from Suite:Heart to Valley Fog and now addresses themes relating to the changing winds of fortune in Silicon Valley and race issues as well as the emotional entanglements and social commentary. We've shot a lot of footage, it looks good and will take a lot more time to complete, most of it in the editing bay.

But, I can talk a bit about my new band, Sacred Vibes, who I am absolutely in love with. I've talked about the appropriateness of names on this blog and this is no exception. There was a very homey, comfortable, spiritual feel. It's all acoustic right now and we all sat close to each other, very intimate. The sound is most like CSN&Y, lots of great harmonies. James, who is incredibly nimble on a twelve-string has a Van Morrison-type voice. Matt, on rhythm, has a wonderful Neil Young-type voice and I spend most of my time in my vocal comfort zone, down low, but fill in all sorts of high notes when needed.

We did about half originals and half covers, mostly rock classics, CCR, the Band, mucho Dead as we're all Jerry-lovers.... after a while I felt so comfortable I started chipping in on the guitar, something I never do in bands. I've also been getting more into percussion. Craig, our percussionist came in with a giant bag of percussion instruments, plus congas, and I had been getting more into percussion with Rick Powers, so I started doing it on some of the songs.

I'll tell you this, I really respect the few drummers I know who can sing while drumming. Levon Helm could do it well, but it's hard and requires focusing on two disparate things at once. I found that when I was doing percussion I felt this obligation to responsibly keep that beat. I remember once asking a drummer, "What do you think is the most important attribute in a drummer?" I was expecting something like speed, creative fills, power, a big kit, etc... (remember my Dead background, intense double drum solos featuring creative pounding)... anyway, he goes, "a steady beat".

Since then, I have checked this out with many musicians and they mostly feel the same way. In drumming, I found I had to really center inside myself to keep it steady. You start ramping up the speed when everyone gets excited and things can head south. At that point, the last thing I wanted to do was start exploring vocal creativity. And, that's really my thing, so Mickey Hart can rest easy.... he's already given me many sacred vibes and I know I'm in for lots more.

Billboard Hot 100

Billboard will now count downloads in its Hot 100 Chart. This chart is the gold standard. It's an important chart, which is why I mention it. When you talk about a Top 40 hit, that's the first 40 spots on this list. I've researched these lists going back to '55, the beginning of the rock era, in order to make sure my music library was complete. Historically, I think it gives the best view of popular music. But, not anymore.

Frankly, I think they would have been better off staying an obvious dinosaur. But to count paid downloads and ignore the fileshares which outnumber them by a factor of a billion.... come on.

This is a singles chart. It used to be based on sales of singles, which was pretty straightforward. In the 80's, sales started to contract as boomers became more corporate, music followed suit and sales then sunk even more. This is when the execs realized they could sell the single for 10X the price if they put it in an album with a bunch of shitty songs. They stopped selling singles as we transitioned to CD's.

At that point, Billboard had to more fully enter the messy world of radio airplay to try and figure out exactly what singles the public wanted to listen to. Bad move, I think these boys need a little chat with Elliot Spitzer ( who, BTW, just subpoenaed Clear Channel!!) . If you check out the charts from this period you see Madonna, Mariah & MJ. With some exceptions, radio plays what it's paid to play.

Now it's easy to find out what everyone wants to hear... check out Big Champagne. E! recaps their chart nightly. As far as I'm concerned, it's the only count that counts, it's the equivalent of counting box office receipts. From everything I've heard about their system, at least from its Prez., it's an accurate reflection of download activity. The numbers are so big, they can't be manipulated by labels, or anyone else. Any other list is either a microcosm, an opinion, or biased. Check out this article about how labels use it for market research.

Many people, if not most, look to these lists for song suggestions. They do shape the market, so it's important to understand exactly what they are measuring. I look for more than popularity from a song though and sites like Soundclick and Pure Volume can lead to you good, lower level acts that are local and can be supported live.

Love

You know I must really love Green Day's album to back yesterday's blog in green, the cold color of money and envy. They made a powerful statement on those things, a statement listened to by a lot of people, so they deserve it. Besides, you kind of have to recap the Grammy's the next day. I mean, jeez, if I were really cynical, I'd point out how much the NARAS loves dead artists, like Ray Charles, because they're, shall we say, a bit easier to deal with that way....

But, yesterday was Valentine's Day, my favorite holiday, and normally I'd have put the blog in red and waxed philosophical about one of my favorite subjects and feelings and core of my world.... love.

So, I'll do it today. Better late than never. Love is what it's all about, people. If your love light is dim, so are you. If it's turned up bright... so are you. In my church we're always singing "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." I love the way the Dead put it, "Turn on your lovelight". Every true artist conveys the same message, from Van Gogh to the Beatles. Every great prophet and teacher says the same thing.

It's not about going to church, or being married, it's about what you feel inside. I'm always in love. It's hard to find the right person, the right relationship, that right mutuality takes a lot of effort. But, that doesn't mean you can't live in love. I feel what I feel and I try to be that honestly, if you bottle and hide, you end up hiding from yourself and the light goes dim, like little Tinkerbell in Peter Pan... remember how we had to clap her back to life?

I spent yesterday with pure love... the heroin of love. The sweetest, most concentrated stuff there is. How God put so much beauty, charm, cuteness and love into one little 55 pound body, I'll never know, but, she's the real deal.

So, maybe someday I'll find my true equal in a man... that will not be easy. I am way, way, way too fucking picky. First off, we need major brains, that alone eliminates like 99.9% of the population. My bod requirements are pretty specific. We need high music knowledge, an interesting life, a lust for life. I need all sorts of essentially disparate traits like a really strong artistic side AND good business sense. Moreover, I need to see that inner strength, which is rare around here because the guys get sunk under obligations.

So..... for now I'll have to content myself with a quilt of things I love: incredible children, an amazing best friend who really understands me, my homey girls who probably don't - but who love me, many wonderful, talented musicians and actors I get to "work" with, and my guy friends who, er, keep me satisfied... very satisfied... it's already more than anyone I know has, so why do I want even more? I want a lot out of life. I want it all. I love it all. I love life. Isn't it great? We can all have everything we want. Maybe not in terms of material stuff, that is limited. Unfortunately, so is time. But, this is the information age, and, I repeat, we can all have everything we want. That's the beauty of love, the beauty of knowledge. So, believe it. There is enough for everyone.

Grammy Recap

As much as I love Fergie, my first thank you for the show opener has to go to Gwen. Crappy as her solo debut was; any woman who can get the Grammy's to open their show with the international symbol of piracy, the skull & crossbones, & wear a pirate outfit no less, has my eternal admiration. Go Gwen!! Obviously, if they were hip enough to figure the thing out, they would have squelched her artistic freedom so fast it'd make your head spin. Showing their stupidity only makes it more fun.

Adam, the key needs to come down baby, thank goodness Franz Ferdinand kicked some ass out there & saved the open. Grammy has featured great crossover for years now & it just keeps getting better & better. As much as I loved Beyonce & Prince last year, I think this opener topped it.

I loved seeing the first prize go to Los Lonely boys, the Tex-Mex brothers with heart & their proud dad. It was great to see the keys get some props from Alicia, who was described by Sheryl Crow on the way in as basically the great girl hope. I have to agree, if anyone can take Aretha's mantle, it's her. She's an amazing artist and watching her face off with Jamie as Q looked on with a big Ray T shirt kicked it up.

Bono supposedly makes "out there" into "out of the box" and that's supposed to sound fresh. Not to me. I'm sorry, I can't get past their suit of Negativland & the Ebay/iPod stuff (12/2/04 post). He should be supporting artistic freedom not just human rights.

I choked up as soon as I saw Freebird coming... it's been my favorite song all my adult life. They didn't do a good job with it, but it was good to hear Ramblin' Man, I went to college in upstate New York, it's as redneck as it gets & we saw all those southern rock bands constantly. As to Sweet Home Alabama, if I hear one more band cover that song...

The carpet last night wasn't red. It was Green (even though it was the day before Valentine's Day), as is my blog background today, in their honor. Take the time to check out these lyrics. American Idiot is a concept album chock full of great songs & deserved Best Album. Ray was a legend & it was our last time to honor him but it's so important to highlight stuff that's fresh and risky and, most of all, good music.

Kanye West was awesome. I can't remember a performance that electrifying since Ricky Martin. I was thrilled to see him take the Grammy & his acceptance speech had me in tears. His music came from a deep appreciation of a life he had a second chance at. Everything in this blog has basically had this overriding message of live your life to the fullest, make it exactly what you want or you're wasting the gifts god gave you... and to see this young man express that so fully, to take rap music from gangsta straight to gospel. WOW. Check out these lyrics.

The Janis tribute rocked but what happened to Pink's invite? She did a Janis tribute at her Shoreline concert a few years back that brought the house down & is slated to star as the blues legend in a major upcoming biopic... the ladies kicked ass but were out of breath at the end. I'd rather sing Aretha than Janis... aside from the rasp, she could hit five notes at once... no wonder she pooped out.

Joss' voice is too smooth for the material but Melissa was amazing, delivering dead on vocals despite dealing with chemo. Plus, being able to go totally bald inspired many cancer survivors to also say, hey, this is who I am right now. She really deserved that standing ovation.

The highlight of the evening, if not my life, was the performance by Usher & James Brown... amazing! I wish I could say more, but I'm speechless.

Then they have this unfortunate post-coital phase with Neil Portnow reviewing a bunch of dead people & dead ideas, I guess this is when the audience runs for its limos. The audience pan showed limp clapping over snide remarks. They showed their stupidity by offering up some vapid We Are the World rip-off rather than the Usher/JB duet for charity. Hey, at least they made it into the current century. After everyone & their brother started doing award shows, MTV, Billboard, AMA etc., they were forced to get with it. They aren't kidding about the gramophone thing... they used to be so out of it, they'd be giving Perry Como Grammy's in 1969 & stuff.

I was glad Ray got it in the end, our new patron saint of music was made so real in the movie and I really hope it will encourage more musical biopics. I agreed with most of the awards and agreed with the embarrassed Bono, who said this was the best show ever. I'm rewinding the tape as I type this. If you didn't catch Usher/JB give me a call because you don't want to miss this.

Brian Wilson: The Agony and the Ecstasy

Brian Wilson is the honoree this year for the Grammy Cares Award. He did much to organize the Grammy's donation to Tsunami relief this year, and, we finally got Smile, after 36 years. As far as I'm concerned, Brian Wilson deserves any and all happiness and recognition he gets.

His story is one of the ironic icon. The irony of his life is that while he shaped American music into a much happier sound, I'm hard pressed to think of a more tortured rock star. I'm almost hard pressed to think of another artist who showed so much suffering and poignancy. Van Gogh is the only one who comes to mind. That's one reason I chose the title of an Irving Stone book to head this post.

Irving also wrote Lust For Life, about Van Gogh. He's written a number of biographical novels exploring the lives of great minds like Freud and Thomas Merton, and artists like Vincent and Michaelangelo. Michaelangelo was the subject of The Agony and the Ecstasy, and, yes, I'm sure painting the Sistine Chapel on your back while the Pope is also on your back every day, was a bitch. But, so was Brian Wilson's father. Maybe he was no worse than Joe Jackson, but he was far harder on Brian.

And yes, Michael was also, obviously, fucked over by his Dad as much as Brian was, but, it was different. Joe elevated Michael in order to motivate the less talented Jacksons. Brian's Dad thought he, the father, was the gifted songwriter and decimated Brian relentlessly. Joe was just harsh and sick, but Wilson was insidious, moving right into the core of Brian's genius. He mind-fucked him... that's the worst. And when you mind-fuck one of the greatest musical geniuses of the century... that's major.

Brian does think he's a musical genius. I heard him say it outright, yesterday. Ray Charles was dubbed Genius by Frank Sinatra and the designation followed him throughout his life. But, we've been blessed by many musical geniuses and Wilson is as deserving of the title as anyone. I think we should reserve the term for those who have shaped the sound of popular music: Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly, Elvis, the Beatles, the Beach Boys, Dylan, etc. and also for songwriters who have composed major catalogs: like Jagger/Richards, Elton, Leiber/Stoller etc. Brian qualifies under both.

The Life of Brian (Python pun intended) illustrates to me, the enduring legacy of bad parenting. Depending on how bad the parent is, and, how sensitive the child is, the legacy can be really bad. Not only destroying the life of the target, but many others. Brian is an extremely sensitive artist. That was his gift. That's how he was able to write the music, hear the music. All artists are sensitive, almost by definition. Otherwise, they're artisans.

Not only was Brian devastated by his demanding, critical, interfering, control-freak father, his kids were too. Carly was up to 400 pounds before her gastric bypass and has publicly held her Dad responsible for much of her pain. It remains to be seen what problems her own baby may encounter as the legacy of abuse travels from one generation to the next. I feel one of the most important accomplishments I've ever made in my life is stopping the cycle of Germanic authoritarian idiocy that ran through my own family and did much to make my childhood miserable and my adulthood challenging.

So, tonight Brian will get his props, and I hope Smile does too. It certainly deserves it. It's a great album and was robbed of the possibility of being honored as best album because it was written so long ago. As much as I appreciate the Beach Boys music, perhaps the greatest gift Brian will give tonight is inspiration to artists and everyone, everywhere, that no matter the hurdles, each of us can finish our albums, finish our growth and come into our own. So many of us end our lives old, but with our tasks unfinished.

Brian has finished his task, he reclaimed his life from his father. He completed his album. He became his own man. And when I see him tonight... I'll smile.